By Attorney Carol M. Gapen

You’ve decided to end your relationship. Divorcing or otherwise separating from your partner is much more complicated when you have children. Whether you’re separating amicably or full of anger and mistrust, this will be the ultimate opportunity to show your love and commitment to your children. How? By keeping this question circling in your head… “Am I putting my kids and their needs first?”

Legal custody and physical placement of children are bound to involve emotional struggles, both for you, your soon-to-be ex and your children. But you can greatly minimize the damage to your kids’ emotional health by following a few rules:

1. Put your kids’ needs first. This seems obvious. Of course you will. But it can be extremely difficult. If your child wants to call his dad to talk, let him. Encourage him. Dial for him. He needs his father right now even if it isn’t what you need.
2. Keep the negative thoughts about your ex far away from your children. Remember, this is still your child’s parent. Your child still loves your ex, even if you don’t.
3. Insulate your children from the details of the divorce. They don’t need to know every stipulation and legal maneuver. And don’t forget how perceptive they are and what big ears they have. Even when you think your daughter is engrossed in a computer game, she may be picking up on conversations you’re having.
4. Don’t be afraid to get professional help. Seek a co-parenting counselor for both you and your ex. Although perhaps uncomfortable and painful to sit in a room together, a counselor will help focus the two of you on what is best for your kids.
5. Alert others in your child’s life about what’s going on. This doesn’t mean telling the whole sordid story or trashing your ex but simply letting your kid’s coach or teacher know of the difficulties your child is facing.
6. You and your ex will need to figure out where and with whom the children are going to live. If you can’t agree, the court will decide for you. Legal custody and physical placement are two legal terms that are often confused. Legal custody means the right and responsibility to make major decisions concerning the child but has nothing to do with where the child lives. Physical placement is where and with whom the child will be living. In Wisconsin, there is a presumption that separated parents should have joint legal custody. The court can grant sole legal custody to one of the parents if both agree or certain rare circumstances exist.

Under Wisconsin law, the schedule for physical placement should maximize the time the child spends with each parent. This may or may not be equal placement with each. The goal should be to try to equalize meaningful time with each parent. For example, if mom works weekends, and dad works weekdays, sending the child to mom’s on the weekend isn’t maximizing their time together.

In determining physical placement, the court considers many things including the wishes of the parents, the wishes of the child, the relationship between the child and his/her parents and siblings, and the amount and quality of time each parent has spent with the child in the past.

The court also considers whether each parent can support the other’s relationship with the child, including encouraging frequent contact. In fact, if one parent appears to be interfering with the relationship between the child and the other parent, the court can take action and change the child’s placement to favor the more supportive parent. So, not only does your child need to have a healthy relationship with the other parent, the court will insist you do so.

The bottom line is this. Even while feeling your own sadness and anger, you have to look out for your child’s best interests from the child’s point of view, not your own. Your child shouldn’t have to live two separate lives — ¬but rather one life –shared with two parents.

For more information, contact Carol at The Law Center for Children & Families at 608-821-8211 or go to www.law4kids.com.